Low self esteem is very debilitating. It may be associated with feelings of depression.  Or it may mean not thinking very highly of yourself, doubting your ability to get the things you want or to attract the sort of people that interest you. Low self esteem can be soul destroying and very costly if it limits you to playing it safe or causes you to avoid doing things that you would normally enjoy doing. It may prevent you from applying for a job or cause you to present yourself ineffectively at interviews.

To check your self esteem, try our self esteem quiz. When you have done this quiz, check out the follow up page: Boosting Self Esteem.

There are two different low self esteem responses:

1. Feeling down on yourself

People with low self esteem commonly feel overwhelmed by the pace of life, thus feeling like a failure relative to everyone else. They constantly doubt if they can achieve anything thus playing it safe, not trying anything new, behaving timidly, not asserting themselves, overly depending on others to look after them and avoiding unpleasant realities.

They also fail to put sufficient effort into things because they doubt that they can be successful, so why try?  They put themselves down constantly and find fault excessively with their  looks - too fat, too slim, too short, etc.

2. Feeling angry and getting even

The first self esteem response is passive while the second is more reactive and externally focused. These people tend to lose their temper at the drop of a hat. They are quick to pick a fight and to blame others or circumstances for setbacks. They are constantly finding fault with the world and being negative - nothing is good, everything is horrible. Such people take pleasure in stories about the troubles of others and are inclined to take things out on others. They are constantly arguing about petty issues.

Being both down and angry

We mistakenly compare how we feel with how others behave. Inevitably, most others will behave more happily than we feel. So we conclude that no one else could feel as bad as we do. This creates a vicious circle and our self esteem drops further.Dwelling on the negative is like cancer. It grows and gets worse. It's pretty hard to force yourself just to think differently when you feel so negative.

Causes of Low Self Esteem

Too much criticism hurts self esteem. Not enough positive feedback can cause low self esteem. Poor appreciation of strengths, taking strengths for granted because they come easy to you.
Not celebrating success at work; focusing on mistakes instead, constantly criticizing yourself. Too much introspection, soul searching, not enough interaction with the real world, hence withdrawal.

Suggestions

One solution, if we can't change our situation or ourselves, is to change our attitude towards such things. One way to do this is to list all of the good things we can find in any situation. This may be hard at first. Perhaps someone else can help you. Keep in mind that you are partly causing yourself to feel worse. When we feel bad, we try to make ourselves feel better by blaming anything and everything around us, but that can often just make us feel worse. The worse we feel the more we feel a need to attack something, anything just to unload these negative feelings.

The problem is, however, that this does not really offer a long term solution even if it provides immediate relief. You need, instead, to look at what you can do to change how you perceive things in the first place. This means finding a more positive way of viewing yourself and your situation.

Another tactic is to spend time doing and thinking about things that get in the way of our focus on the negative. Do things that are constructive and make us feel good. That means such things as helping others or achieving things that take effort rather than just getting drunk for instance or watching TV. We can't develop a sense of achievement with no effort. Achievement is one of the surest ways of building better self esteem.

Dwelling on ourselves is one of the surest ways of staying down. Arrange to get regular positive feedback. This can be done by conducting regular meetings at work where you begin by everyone saying what went well for them since the last meeting. Also, ask stakeholders or colleagues regularly what went well before asking what did not go so well.

What's your story?

Your reasons for having low self esteem are unique. So is your way of dealing with it. Why not share your self esteem story, what you have tried to do to build or maintain your self esteem? You might be able to help others with low self esteem and doing so might improve yours. You can do so completely anonymously if you like. Read self esteem stories here.

Have you done our Self Esteem Quiz and read the follow up page: Boost Your Self Esteem? See also I don't like myself - talks about the fact that we can't change certain features about ourselves, especially how we look. So, all we can do is find other things about ourselves to like. For instance people are drawn to those who are nice to them. Being nice to others can win a lot of friends and it isn't that hard to do, provided you aren't feeling so low that you automatically turn people away from you. It's also important to monitor and try to change how you talk to yourself. Contribute your self esteem story and read those contributed by others. Are you your own worst enemy? Are you holding yourself back with self-limiting beliefs?

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